| I can feel my world suddenly start to crumble.......... |
[Sep. 14th, 2003|03:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | twiztid-renditions of reality | ] |
Last night had to have been one of the worst nights of my life.As most people know alexis died friday night and i found out saturday morning , becca came over to grieve with me i didnt wanna be alone,she was supposed to sleep over too.Well basically we were in denial so to try and make it out of our heads we went to the airfest.....like i was so depressed and stupid that right before it i took speed for the first time ever...We got there and tunz of people were there and at first i was hyper and happy and felt so great i saw danny hienly and he came and chilled with us the whole time dan g,and jay, and jays cute cousin chris were all there and sarah cormier and kelly s and steve from youth group and seth cousin davids pal and my ex bf nick from 5th grade and nick g and vanessa b and premo and andy barret and unfortunatley corey n.
There were so many people and i was having a blast and then i threw up and this old lady yelled at me and the guy at the booth working yelled at her and shyt and ryan litalien gave me $2.00 for puking pink and i was checking out guys and saw this hott ass kid and looked at him and he looked back so i made becca and danny follow him with me and im like hey your hott do i know you cause he looked familiar and he started laughin he's like yes you do and im like ok from where and hes like andy so of course i think he means andy b and so im like whats ur name baby and i thought he was bobby at first and im like omg im so sorry bobby and hes like im not bobby and finally hes like does the name kenny ring a bell im like AHHHHH OMG it was kenny gurge the kid who i patyed with all of 8th grade summer lol and i was like omg becca i kissed this kid before and like did shyt with him i felt so dumb .....but then me and danny took a walk away from everyone else around 7:30 and when we came back and i guess some one had given becca "e" and she was flipping and was saying she was gonna commit suicide so that is when i broke into tears over alexis and becca and everything in life corey being an asshole and jay not liking me and people laughing at me.......i talked to Kelly Lamoruex and Dean and they said theyd bring us home since we were stranded and i told them i had to be home for 10 so they said ok and i went on a mission to find black coffee for becca and when i couldnt find any i came back only to have jess loewes fat ass screaming at me blaming me when i wasnt even there when it happened so i ran off in tears and couldnt see without my glasses in the dark and at one point i was so weak and disorted that i was holdin on to Vanessa to keep from passing out and her and jay had to pick me up cause i was on the ground and then i found out becca got taken to the hospital........eventually i ran into donald and jay man oh man did shyt fly thru my head me and donald are cool now so we were talking and i talked to jay too im proud of him he quite smoking and shyt and donald was like im still an alchoholic and we talked and it was wierd the one thought that ran thru my head was "I'D DO ANYTHING TO HAVE HIM BACK" i still have my dinald box and everything and i miss the days were him and jay would come over and chill and we'd all be happy and shyt i didnt tell him but i had henry in my pocket when i talked to him but god i missed him so much i just wanted to run and pour my feelings out to hi to cry on him like i used to when things went wrong and if i can say ANYTHING about him it would be that i will always love him and i never stopped loving him since that day we broke up last year i never rlly had a happy relationship since i told myself i did but i was lying to myself so badly..........well after talking to him i felt better till someone came up to me omg ur friend shot herself i heard and i freaked and so i walked around bein depressed ryan won me a stuffed dog its pink and i tryed to play a game to cheer me up i lost and i cryed more and the lady asked what was wrong cause she saw me crying for like and hour and i spilled everything bout lexis and then becca saying she was gonna kill herself(leaving out the "e" part ) and she gave me a tweety doll and this other lady gave me a carebear doll a big one............
but i walked around still crying and sarah cormier came up to me and talked to me and helped me a bit i thought she like hated me but her doing that gave me much respect for her specially since brian marlow the whole time was like come on lets go.....so finally i found kelly and dean and we were gonna watch the fireworks then go so were watching em and the crowds leaving and i get lost in the crowd i can barely see and shyt and i started flipping and having a break down and i ran into jenn banghart and she tryed helping me her and premo and then they had to leave and so i was walking around flipping and talked to jay and sarah parrey and jays like i swear i would give you a ride home but my mom wouldnt lemme so im like its ok its ok and they had to leave so i walked around looking dfor someone anyone and angel quinones saw me and came up to me and gave me a hug and is like whats wrong and im like bawling and telling him and then chris clark gave me a hug and asked what was wrong and soon walter galo and bobby came up and were all giving me hugs and talking to me bout what was wrong and shyt and candy gurley so like walters like man i feel so bad for this gurl so he talked to his pal and asked him to give me a ride cause it was 10 min to 11 and i was alret and hour late (i had called mom and cassies cell and told her we were gonna see becca at the hospital but i told her we'd only be 20 min) but they gave me a ride and thank god for that i got home around 11:30 and told mom that i felt horrible and shyt and shes like its ok becca called call her house so i ran and called her and we talked i talked to margo for like 3 min and went online and talked to dan g and jay and jackie a and got an email from dan mcgowan this cool kid who looks like kenan......hes got beautiful blue eyes like kenan too......
and i got off jesse n was over and cody and they slept over and i woke up feeling like shyt so i didnt go to work and i woke up at 1235 cause becca came over to get her stuff and damen(alexis bf) was in the car so i went and talked to him and cryed and becca cryed and damens eyes welled up,i go inside to find out alisha my sister was in the hospital cause she had a panic atttack and so i flipped and dads home now being an asshole cause i came inside crying hes like fucking get over it life goes on and i got so pissed and hes like hey now ur pals going to hell im like shut up shut up shut up and then alisha finally gets home and my moms like you want food to him hes like i cant even think of food when this fucking house is a mess like this fucking slobs i got pissed and so now im here typing this but its really a tragic night and day i just know from now on i will value life so much and never say i wanna die and i hate myself again................ |
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